Journal Entry, Saturday August 25, 2007

Now that I know the date. Now that it is coming. I am about to fit the shackles once again for my wrist.

I believe these “visions,” if you will, are for You, Oh Lord. I believe it is you being faithful, remembering your promise, and finally acting. With your power, calling me out of my defeat and with that picture of living by the Spirit of God which flashes across my mind in sharp, quick fragments. I can be there. I will have hope. I will stand up from this dust and shake off the bitter disappointment under which I have sat, paralyzed into indecision.

That day, the context of which I can’t remember from so long ago, when as a young boy I was with friends and family in the North on a bitter cold night in the middle of nowhere. Silence gave way only to the howling of a Northern wind. And you were present in it: A moment of experience. You were there that day, the life behind my eyes beating furiously like I was a machine finally, finally plugged in for the first time.

I so want life like that. It is a cocaine, once injected into my veins, embeded deep into my self-awareness, and I am loathed to live without it. All these years have been a wandering withdrawal.

That day when I, as a wolf-cub was moving through a forest of sin, self-absorbtion, fear, and doubt. That day when suddenly, wearily pushing through the underbrush of the wilderness I came into a clearing, and there you were, standing precisely in its middle, the very spot that I thought was reserved for me.

And now my life is destined to get out of this forest as I keep step with you, running parallel to that ancient path you tread, where the Garden of Eden used to be. Some days I nearly fall in step on your flank, like my ancestor walked. Others I am off in that wilderness forest of sin again, miles between us, till even the echo of your huge foot is lost upon my ear. But your voice still moves through my veins and that clearing, that path, is always on my mind. Maybe before one of these predators out here finally overtakes me as I slow, falter, I will abandon this place and join you out of the shadows once more. Perhaps I am now turning and heading that way. Can you call? I need to get a fix on your location, because I’m turned around out here. Let me hear you roar.